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2005 CHUMPY Award

By The Funk on January 3, 2006.

It’s time, loyal readers, for the Inaugural SpursDynasty 2005 CHUMP (of the)Y(ear) Award.

Every year, there are athletes, especially NBA players, who are, in a word, chumps.

There are many candidates for the CHUMPY Award, of course, so we’re here to let you know just which overpaid, adolescent minded, primadonna clown was the worst team cancer or societal blight in 2005.

So let’s go over the candidates and their qualifications, shall we, loyal reader(s)?

* Ron Artest – see post below. He demanded a trade, meaning he has now officially taken his team directly out of title contention two seasons in a row. Of course, not by what happens on court… it’s the extracurricular tantrums that makes Ron such a prime non-example of sportsmanship.

* Terrell Owens – need we say more?

* Maurice Clarett. Oh Mo, mo, mo. We all knew you were a chump when Ohio State was arranging for your cars and expenses, while you cut class, fell asleep in finals, and had “an oral exam” to pass African-American studies. We know it was rough when your moronic buddy played tough guy games and got himself waxed – so naturally the Ohio State students should eat the cost of you going to his funeral since you didn’t have the money. We know you had to file false police reports and commit insurance fraud since you couldn’t wait to get your lifestyle on. Too bad the lawsuits against Ohio State and the NFL both resulted in a litigation beatdown.

But armed robbery? For a *c e l l p h o n e* ?!? Then making the police manhunt you?!? You can get those for $40, Mo. And don’t forget since the Broncos cut you, you dropped out of college, and literally can’t negotiate an arena ball contract, you’d better go with a public defender. I don’t think the Ohio State students want a tuition hike to make your retainer fees once the cops nab you.

* Latrell Sprewell – for about a million reasons.


SPREE! 50 Cent isn’t an athlete, Artest technically ruined both seasons by not playing last spring and now the fall of the new season but is only a 2nd tier chump, Clarett committed armed robbery for a cellie technically in 2006 (Jan. 2) and is an unemployed football player, but Spree is the CHUMPY-on. Unemployed clown former basketball player… like a more antisocial and less sadly humorous Rodman.

Offered a $21,000,000 contract, Spree said it was “Insulting… I have a family to feed.” Now there is no contract with the T-Wolves, much less anyone else, he is the laughingstock of the league, and no competitive team will want him.

But I wonder if you can feed a family on unemployment? A lot of Americans have to, especially those in Katrina’s wake. It just goes to show you that no matter how much of a primadonna you may be, no matter how spoiled and childish, there is always someone worse than you. And you know Spree had to win the Chumpy Award, having choked a Spurs coach back in the day (as of the balloting, PJ Carlesimo was still an assistant on a world championship team).

Even if Spree becomes a Spur, and hopefully Warm Karl Malone was the last of such potential foolishness, I may eat crow but I won’t like the flavor, ever. Chumpalicious.

Happy 2006. Maurice Clarett now leads the pack for Chump of the Year ’06, and it’s only the 2nd day of January.

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