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I say, Sirs, this means war.

By Daniel Strickland on March 23, 2006.

To Kenyon Martin and Bill Simmons:

I cannot abide these slanderous words and brutish actions. I demand satisfaction, Sirs!

That’s one big-ass gauntlet I’m about to throw down.

I’m goin’ Aaron Burr on yo’ asses.

What has provoked the fury of the Bramlet, you ask?

Kenyon “so many insulting nicknames they have to be footnoted” Martin* is once again acting like a punk-ass bitch:

With the Spurs down 61-48 in the third quarter, Ginobili broke free for what looked like a certain dunk when Martin ran down and cracked him from behind. As Ginobili hit the court with a thud, Popovich stared at Martin and shouted, “That’s bull…!” Martin smiled back.

A couple of minutes later, Martin hit Ginobili in the arm after the whistle, further incensing Popovich. In each instance, Ginobili simply pushed himself to his feet and stepped to the free-throw line.

It’s gonna be ugly when CIA** smacks your ass, K-Mart.

Bill Simmons has also managed to arouse my ire…again:

Enrique, SA, TX: Bill, what were you thinking when you wrote that Spurs coach Greg Poppovich was going to retire after this season? Do you know how much money he would be walking away from if he did?

Bill Simmons: (1:30 PM ET ) I didn’t, actually. The funny part was all the angry e-mails from the San Antonio era – is San Antonio a 3rd World country or something and nobody told me? I haven’t seen that many misspellings and crazed threats in the history of my column… if there was a way to send e-mails in capital letters and crayons, that would have been the typical response from a Spurs fan. Do they have school systems there or is it simply home schooling and that’s it?

In addition to insulting my hometown, the holy ground sanctified by the presence of the Admiral, the Ninja, and three Larry O’Brien trophies, you’re giving Pearl Jam fans a bad name, Mr. Simmons. I will not stand for that. We’re eccentric and obsessive, yes, but we’re not assholes. I may just have to confiscate your PJ collection if you keep this up. And if you’re a true Pearl Jam fan, you know that’s the most intimidating threat I can make.

Good, I say good DAY, Sirs!

* Kenyon “Blue Light Special” Martin, Kenyon “3-23” Martin, Kenyon “TD’s My Daddy” Martin, Kenyon “Cheap Shot” Martin, Kenyon “Never Beaten the Spurs in a Playoff Series But I’ll Thump My Chest and Do Pushups in a Game Anyway” Martin, Kenyon “The Stutterer No One Feels Sorry for Because He’s a Bitch” Martin…believe me, I could go on.

** Pop

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