The First Official SpursDynasty Purity Test
Spurs fans often make me feel like a counselor faced with the age-old, platitudinous, cheesy 80’s-music question “How do I know whether I’m really in love?” Often, as I’m walking along the street, minding my own business (i.e. designing food-poisoning schemes to use against the Pistons or plotting against the integrity of Amare Stoudemire’s knee), I’m approached by wannabe Bramlets who ask me, “Bramlet, how do I know whether I’m really a Spurs fan?” Until today, I always gave them the true, if all too obvious, reply of “If you have to ask that question, then you’re not a Spurs fan. Crawl back into the turd from whence you came, miserable worm.” But today I had an epiphany about how to separate the wheat from the chaff, the men from the boys, the virtuous from the damned.
Friedrich Nietzsche wrote that the health of a society and of individuals can be measured by the number of parasites they can tolerate. Similarly, the health of a professional sports franchise can be measured by how much disgust and disappointment its fans can tolerate without, after driving over their bobble-heads and burning their jerseys, taking the final step of renouncing all past, present, and future ties to the team. And now, with the help of SpursDynasty, you can measure the sincerity and intensity of your Spurs passion and find out whether or not you need to e-mail us an apology for having e-desecrated this shrine to Spurs glory with your filthy, infidel IP address.
“What doesn’t kill a Spurs fan makes him stronger.”
For those who haven’t shot themselves or jumped permanently off the bandwagon since Friday night, we present a simple quiz to measure the level of your disgust and outrage provoked by the Spurs’ loss – AT HOME – to a Lakers rotation that included Brian Cook, Devean George, Kwame Brown, Sasha Vujacic, Luke Walton, and Andrew Bynum.
The First Official SpursDynasty “Am I Worthy of the Distinction
of Being Allowed to Read SpursDynasty?” Purity Test
1. How did you react as the Spurs fell behind by double digits in the 1st quarter?
A. couldn’t stifle a crude oath of “Gosh darn it, Spurs!”
B. blamed Rasho Nesterovic reflexively, even though he wasn’t in the game and Nazr was stinking it up
C. vomited in my mouth a little and had to rinse my mouth out repeatedly with my Shiner Bock
D. stuck more pins in my Smush Parker voodoo picture
E. yelled at the “Make Some Noise” graphic on the AT&T Center jumbotron to go f*** itself
F. broke assorted pieces of furniture in my living room, then slashed my wrists and screamed “Why hast thou forsaken me?!”
2. How did you react when Barry and Udrih started to get the Spurs back into the game in the 3rd quarter?
A. I didn’t know the Spurs made a comeback, because like the pussy I am, I had given up on the game long before then.
B. I stopped watching my videotape of Game 6 of the 2003 Spurs-Lakers series long enough to watch a few replays of Spurs baskets.
C. I got so excited I stopped nursing my beer mournfully and started draining entire bottles after each good play.
D. I put my jersey back on and started a one-man wave in my living room.
“What is the sound of one hand high-fiving?”
E. My expletive-filled whooping and references to Kobe’s mother almost got me kicked out of the AT&T Center.
F. I promised Satan my firstborn son if he would help the Spurs win the game. (I would have sold my soul, but it was already in hock.)
3. How would you describe the way you viewed the game?
A. I changed the channel to a rerun of Saved by the Bell to spite the Spurs.
B. I felt bored and disappointed, but I left the game on while I clipped my nose hair and popped boils on my ass.
C. I observed the game stoically as I offered the Spurs my detached observations and constructive criticism via the NSA bug hidden in my TV.
D. I could only stop foaming at the mouth by turning the TV off.
E. I destroyed my TV midway through the second quarter in a fit of Hulk-like rage, stepping on and hopelessly crumpling my tinfoil hat in the process.
4. In general, how do you feel about the outcome of the game?
A. It sucks, but you have to cut the champs some slack. They had a tough schedule.
B. It made me briefly consider converting to Orthodox Lakerism before coming to my senses.
C. I feel as if someone had started a hugely popular website with photos of me standing outside naked in sub-zero weather.
D. Slightly worse than the time aliens gave me an anal probe.
E. Every time I think about it, I want to curse God’s name and burn down a church. Just as a prank, you see.
F. I am no longer capable of feeling, as I had to disconnect my amygdala to prevent a neural meltdown.
5. How would you describe the Spurs’ performance, on a scale of dried dung to fermented pus?
A. a rapidly eroding pile o’ desiccated poo
B. spoiled milk
C. bile ’n’ mucus cocktail
D. box o’ wine puke with chunks
Somebody really needs to tell whoever barfed this out to drink some water once in a while.
E. regurgitated elephant afterbirth
F. a pool of unspeakably disgusting bodily fluids fermenting in an e
6. What did you do after watching the game Friday night?
A. threw up my hands and consoled myself with the platitude that “well, there’s always the next game”
B. felt depressed for a while, but cheered myself up by listening to some Yanni
C. cried myself to sleep with a bottle of tequila
D. called my psychotherapist after having painful flashbacks to 2001, 2002, and 2004.
E. blamed myself for not burning enough photos of the Lakers and wearing enough Spurs merchandise to guarantee victory, and began planning my pre-game rituals for the next game against the Lakers
F. flew to L.A. to poke holes in condom boxes
7. What would you have done if you had been seated directly behind the Lakers’ bench?
A. sent distinctly unpleasant vibes toward the players while muttering mild oaths
B. made several loud references to the special amenities at Colorado hotels
C. thrown a beer cup at Phil Jackson to try to make him go Artest on me
D. verbally abused the towel boys for providing comfort and aid to the enemy
E. taken some steroids in the bathroom and then urinated in the Lakers’ Gatorade
F. shot spitballs laced with anthrax at the players on the bench, even if I died in the process
8. What would you have done if you had been seated directly behind the Spurs’ bench?
A. cheered the Spurs loudly after good plays
B. forced my entire section to sarcastically chant “MVP! MVP!” with a Slovenian accent after every jump shot by Beno Udrih
C. farted in their general direction
D. questioned the manhood of individual players
E. taken off my Spurs jersey during a time out, spat on it melodramatically, and thrown it on the ground in full view of the players
F. out-Popped Pop until I induced an aneurysm
9. What did you imagine yourself saying to Tim Duncan after the game?
A. “It’s ok, Timmy, we know your feet hurt badly and that you had played an exhausting game less than 24 hours before. You’ll do better next time.”
B. “Hey, TD, did you forget you were being guarded by Chris Mihm, Kwame Brown, and an 18-year-old rookie?”
C. “What’s the matter, Tim, did Amy forget to take your testicles out of her purse before you left home? Next time, borrow one of Manu’s!”
D. “I’ve excreted loose, watery poo that could have played a better game than that! You’d better get your shit together, Tim, if you expect to have your number retired.”
E. I was so disgusted that I could not have seen him through the red haze of anger, nor could I have spoken coherently even if I’d managed to find him.
F. “Tim Duncan, you are dead to me.”
10. What are your plans for the next game against the Lakers?
A. I’ll watch it, as long as the episode of Saved by the Bell in which Screech loses his virginity to a hermaphrodite isn’t on.
B. I’ll TiVo it, but if they lose I won’t watch it. It would be too painful.
C. I’m awaiting it eagerly, because I’m going to thoroughly enjoy the carnage.
D. I’ve already put $500 on the Spurs to beat the spread, and I’m taking the next day off to go on a Spurs merchandise-buying spree.
E. I’m personally going to the Staples Center to teach Jack Nicholson what a proper hooligan is.
“No, YOU can’t handle the truth, Jack! The Lakers suck ass!”
F. Rematch? The dead don’t play basketball. Neither do quadruple amputees.
Scoring: Give yourself 1 point for every question to which you answered A, 2 points for every B, 3 points for every C, etc.
10-30 points: Why is a Lakers fan on this site? Please leave before we have you thrown out or maimed.
31-56 points: You call yourself a Spurs fan? We hope you don’t live in San Antonio, because we find the profaning of holy ground extremely offensive.
57-58 points: Weak. While in some places you might be considered worthy of being called a Spurs fan, we here at SpursDynasty haven’t allowed our high standards to be corrupted by the general laxity and decadence of contemporary society. But please come back when you get your priorities in order.
59 points: This level of violent, unreasoning, slightly-less-than-all-consuming fanaticism is exactly what we’re looking for. Please contact us if you’d like to become a contributor to SpursDynasty.
60 points (full score): While we find your dedication to the Spurs quite impressive, we can’t help feeling a little disturbed. You should allow a non-Spurs-related thought to enter your head once in a while. A frontal lobotomy might also be helpful, and please, strongly consider getting spayed or neutered. Do it for the children—the children you shouldn’t bring into this world.
Obviously I’m no Sophocles, but I hope that this quiz has provided you with a constructive way to purge the negative emotions brought about by Friday’s debacle, so you can enjoy the rest of the season properly. May the mojo be with you, Spurs fans!