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Top 10 Reasons Why the Mavs Will Never Beat the Spurs in a Playoff Series

By Bramlet Abercrombie on March 4, 2006.

10. Avery Johnson’s secret loyalty to the Spurs. #6 ain’t getting retired in Dallas!

9. As much as everyone talks about the Mavs’ improved D (and it has improved), the main reason for their opponents’ lower scoring average this season is their much slower pace. Statistics don’t lie, but they sure can fool you.

8. They start Degasana “No O” Diop at center, and they bring Erick “Worst Contract Ever” Dampier off the bench. And if they go small, the Spurs will match ‘em.

7. They rely too much on one-on-one plays. The Mavericks rank near the bottom of the league in assists per game. Granted, they have a lot of gifted scorers, but individuals will never beat the Spurs. See “Stoudemire, Amare.”

6. The Spurs beat them in a game they wanted badly, with TD and Manu both hurting. Yeah, the Mavs were a bit banged up as well, but imagine how much better the Spurs would have been last night with Tim and Manu at 100%. In the playoffs, teams have a much easier and more regular schedule, so our guys will get plenty of rest with relatively little travel.

5. Dirk “Diggler” Nowitzki still misses getting trashed with Nash.


4. We’ve still got the mastermind on our side. AJ’s a great disciple, but he’s no Darth Tater. He’s still the learner.

3. Because we’re willing to bite a mu’f***er to win, baby. See below.

2. Still too much pussitude on the roster, in the form of one man. No team for which Keith “Gaping Vagina” Van Horn plays significant minutes will ever win a championship. Cut him and sign Charles Oakley* in his place, AJ!

1. Bruce “Diggler’s My Bitch” Bowen:


* I don’t care if he’s retired. His mere presence on the bench in place of Van Horn would make the Mavs a more intimidating team. Teams would know that if they beat the Mavs, they’ll have to be looking over their shoulder as they leave the arena.

Having said all this, I still recognize that the Mavs are a dangerous and ever-improving team. And there’s no guarantee that the Spurs will be healthy going into the playoffs. If they are, however, the Mavs have little hope in a 7-game series. But no, it’s not really because Van Horn is a pussy. It’s just fun to pick on poor ol’ Keith.

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