Let me break this to you gently: If the Spurs are eliminated from the playoffs tonight by the _allas motherfucking Mavericks, it’s on your conscience. You’re doing nothing to help the team you claim to love.
“But what can I, a humble fan who can’t suit up for the Spurs and doesn’t even have tickets to the game tonight, do to affect the outcome of the game?” you ask. If you have to ask that question, you must be the kind of poor victim who sues McDonald’s for serving coffee the way it’s supposed to be served: flesh-searingly hot. But there’s hope for you yet – at least where your Spurs fanhood is concerned.
If you follow “SpursDynasty’s Official Rules for Spurs Game-Viewing” (otherwise known as “How Not to Be a Pussy, the SpursDynasty Way”) as you watch the game tonight, your fat complacent ass will finally be doing something to help the Spurs win.*
Step 1: Pre-Game Preparation
First, you will need to dress appropriately. Colors other than silver, black, and white are forbidden** – if someone has stolen your Spurs underwear and socks, appropriately-colored generic replacements will do in a pinch. It goes without saying, but I’ll say it anyway for the benefit of any former Mavericks fans who are trying to repent, that Spurs shorts, a Spurs Championship t-shirt, and a Spurs jersey are required attire. As for the jersey, the more obscure the player and the less likely he is to get on the court except in the event of a blowout, the better. Lots of people are already generating Mojo for our stars by wearing Duncan, Ginobili, and Parker jerseys, but a chain is only as strong as its weakest link. Sean Marks jerseys are especially powerful, as are those of old-school players like David or Sean. (For tonight’s game, an old Avery Johnson jersey has special power – wearing it will completely fuck with Avery’s head. Or you can burn it angrily.)
Second, you will need to find an item infused with years of Spurs Mojo. Keep it present throughout the game, as a magnifying medium for the channeling of Mojo to the Spurs.
I found this ticket from 1993 recently inside my copy of The Autobiography of Malcolm X, which I read 13 years ago. That’s some serious Mojo!
Third, you will need to cleanse the viewing area of any impurities. Anything even vaguely associated with the opponent must be removed. Your pet steer, Mark the Maverick, for example, must be banished from his spot on the couch for the day or, preferably, sacrificed with a blunt knife.
Fourth, be sure to have all of the supplies necessary for proper viewing of the game. Read the rest of the rules for a list of these supplies.
Step 2: Pre-Game Ritual
After you have prepared yourself and the viewing area, the next step is to bring down the wrath of the vodun on the opponent by completing a traditional voodoo ritual.
First, download photographs of the opposing players (and their obnoxious owners, if applicable). A google.com image search will yield many results to choose from. (For tonight’s game, keep in mind that an image search for “goober” yields the greatest number of photos of Mark Cuban.) Non-flattering photos are preferable, of course, and photos involving the Spurs dunking on them are best.
Second, use image editing software to mar the photographs. I’ve always found an “x” over the player’s face and the word “Die!” written over his body to have a certain charm. Then print the photos out. Use a high-definition color printer if possible.
Apparently, Mark pissed off Trey Parker and Matt Stone at some point.
Third, cast Pop-Pops (or some variant such as “Party Snaps” or “Snap Dragons“) upon the photos. This is most effective if done while muttering obscenities about the players’ ancestors. If you do this properly, the players should be covered with gunpowder residue by the time you’re finished.
I always get my pop-pops in Chinatown.
Fourth, burn the photos. The best way to do this is to hold the flame under each player to create an expanding circle of black ash where his face used to be, until the paper catches fire. There’s something vicious enough about this method that one has the feeling that the player senses a disturbance in the force from afar.
Fifth, toss the remains of the photos into the toilet as they burn, and flush them down. This way of adding insult to injury is the ultimate indignity for a bling-sporting NBA stud.
Finally, feel the bliss of perfect peace wash over you as you prepare to watch the game, knowing that you’re about to witness painful humiliation of the Spurs’ opponents.
Note: Those watching the game on TiVo delay are permitted to complete this ritual after the game has begun. Past experience has proven to me that the old “Schrödinger’s cat” hypothesis apparently applies to voodoo as well as quantum mechanics – the outcome of a game remains undetermined until those conducting a voodoo ritual watch it. (Past experience has also proven to me, by the way, that a canister of poison gas will kill a cat every time.)
Step 3: Game Viewing
The rules for viewing the game are quite complicated, so I highly recommend that you familiarize yourself with them before the game, or you will find yourself scrambling desperately to follow them on the fly. In fact, they should be so deeply memorized that they become second nature and do not require any conscious thought to execute. If you have difficulty with memorization, tattoo them on your body Memento-style.
What does Bramlet have tattooed on his body? “First pants, THEN your shoes.”
The following general principles wi
ll help you maximize the efficiency of your game-viewing voodoo:
1. The greater the level of your intoxication, the greater the power of the Mojo you generate. You must release your mind from its everyday prison of inhibitions, skepticism, accurate sensory perceptions, and coherent thoughts.
2. Loudness and obnoxiousness are mandatory. If your neighbors don’t call the police, you’re slacking off.
3. Consistency in executing these rituals is critical. The power of voodoo lies in irrational belief in the ability of symbolic ritual to affect the physical world. Failure to execute them consistently implies a lack of belief in the absolute importance of your actions.
Once you have understood and accepted these principles, study the specific rules below carefully:
Hug a basketball like TD just before tipoff. (Refer to the graphic at the top of the page for instruction on how to do it properly.) If you time it just right, you’ll exponentially increase Tim’s Mojo.
Drink one shot of beer (good beer*** – none of that corporate rat-piss) from your Spurs shot glass after every good play by the Spurs. This includes points scored, blocks, steals, great passes, ankle-breaking moves, spectacular rebounds, intimidating tirades by Pop, and obvious flops that somehow still manage to fool the refs.
If you don’t have one of these, I don’t see how you can call yourself a Spurs fan. But then, I didn’t think you were a true Spurs fan anyway.Beer spillage must occur at some point during or before the game. However, it must be spontaneous spillage rather than calculated spillage. If you don’t have someone who is naturally clumsy or who tends to get physically out of control in your Spurs viewing group, a high level of intoxication will ensure that this occurs.
Have a Designated Spaz present. Without someone to react excessively to every play, run around manically like a soccer player after made baskets, elicit rounds of high-fives, threaten to destroy furniture and/or the television, yell smack at the opposing players, and fulfill the aforementioned spillage requirement if no one else is capable, it is unlikely that your group will achieve a sufficient level of excitement to generate the requisite Mojo. If any circumstances prevent the execution of these Spaz duties by an adult human, as a last resort, an excited three-year-old or a strange dog will do. Note that public viewing of the game does not excuse the Spaz from any of these duties. It is the Spaz’s job to forget himself so completely that he isn’t aware that he is embarrassing himself in public.
It probably isn’t difficult for readers of this site to guess who the Designated Spaz at SpursDynasty is.
Come up with ritual reactions to plays, tailored to the individual players. Here is a list of some of the ones we like to use:
Tim: Yell “TD!” or chant “MVP! MVP!”
Manu: Yell “GINOOOOOOBILIIIIIIII” like Charles Barkley.
Tony: Laugh like the stereotypical obnoxious Frenchman. If he pulls the teardrop on someone, cry sarcastically to taunt the opponent who just got scored on.
Mah nehm eez To-nee Pah-care, and I weel make you crah like zee beh-bee!
Bruce: Perform Bruce Lee moves or yell “You’ve been Bowened, bitch!”
Robert “Nutshot” Horry: Yell “Ohhh, right in the nuts!” after a big shot.
Nazr: Yell “Allahu Akbar!” or “Peace be upon you, motherfucker!”
Rasho and Beno: Yell “Humiliated by the Slovenian Terror!”
Pop: Chant “CIA! CIA!” every time he bitches at the refs.
Dirk Nowitzki: Mutter something insulting in a Schwarzeneggerian voice.
Jason Terry: After a brick, insult him in the voice of Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog.
Ohhh, yehsss, Jason, that was a beauuutiful shot…FOR ME TO POOP ON!
You might also consider drinking a different type of alcohol for each player, such as red wine for TP or 40-ounce malt liquor for Bruce. You are encouraged to create your own ritual chants for general use as well. The SpursDynasty boys have taken to saying “Bramlet Abercrombie!” every time we make a toast. I’m not sure whether that’s intended as a compliment, but I just join in anyway and say it in a pirate voice for good measure.
“Arrrr! Shiver me timbers, if it isn’t Bramlet Abercrombie!”
During critical games, pass around a box of Spurs Championship Wheaties as a snack. Normally, Casa Sanchez tortilla chips and Casa Sanchez pico de gallo are the preferred snacks, but Wheaties provide extra Mojo. My leftover 2003 Championship Wheaties worked like a charm in Game 7 of the Finals last year.
Consider toasting them first to kill any mold or bacteria.
If the situation gets desperate, try eating photos of opposing players. This tactic resulted in a miraculous run down the stretch of that Game 7, when we were in the middle of a sports bar crowded with dozens of Pistons fans and were thus unable to do any burning. I took Lindsey Hunter right out of the game. He was hell on my bowels the next morning, but a little diarrhea is nothing next to an NBA championship.
Unfortunately, this is all that I have the time to post today. But these rules are enough to ensure a Spurs victory. If you follow them, you can sleep well tonight knowing that you finally did your part as a true Spurs fan.
* Disclaimer: SpursDynasty.com, its parent company, its subsidiaries, its offshore tax shelters, and any individuals associated with the site will not be held responsible for destruction of property, injury, projectile vomiting, public humiliation, eviction, or death caused by adherence to these rules.
** With the exc
eption of any old-school Spurs clothing bearing the “fiesta-colored” logo.
*** Preferred beers include Negra Modelo, Sierra Nevada Pale Ale, Guinness, anything by Lagunitas or Speakeasy, and for added Texas Mojo, Shiner Bock or Lone Star.
I love pop-pops. I got one at my friends house and we had a war. It was so cool.