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The 2006 NBA Finals: A Matchup Made in Hell

By Bramlet Abercrombie on June 7, 2006.

Hitler vs. Osama.

Scott Stapp vs. Ted Nugent.

Kenneth Lay vs. Jeffrey Dahmer.

Halliburton vs. the Empire.

The Decepticons vs. the Borg.

Mark “I Wanna Smoke a” Cuban‘s Mavericks vs. Shaquille “Deal a Meal” O’Neal’s Heat.

In my post-elimination depression, I was going to avoid watching the Finals, but I’ve decided, uncharacteristically, to suck it up and be a good sport (of sorts) about this travesty. That, of course, means that I have to decide whom to root for. It all comes down to the question of which individual I loathe less profoundly. That’s a tough question to answer.

Cuban or Snaq: Which is the lesser of two evils?
One factor could make this decision much easier: the divine presence of Dwyane “[sic]” Wade on the Heat. Normally, that would be enough to tip the balance in their favor.

But man, Cuban is really only a recent footnote in the annals of my hatred, whereas my rancor toward Snaq Attaq goes way baq. Yeah, people say that Snaq is a nice guy in person, but he’s been utterly classless over the years in his comments about the Spurs, particularly David Robinson. If there’s one thing that San Antonians believe, it’s that insulting David Robinson is tantamount to pissing in the Holy Grail.

I’d rather drain my lizard in this than say something bad about David Robinson. David might disagree with my priorities, however.
I’ve gotta hand it to you, Snaq: you must be quite an accomplished coq to catch as much flaq as you have from the city where you played high school basketball.

The fact that Snaq’s Lakers eliminated the Spurs in 2001, 2002, and 2004 doesn’t help, either. Cuban’s crew, on the other hand, has only eliminated them once.

Maybe the best we can hope for is some sort of cataclysmic conflict that consumes both teams in a mushroom cloud of mutual destruction. Or at least a fistfight between Cuban and Snaq. Over in two seconds, you say? Not when Mark breaks out his combat exoskeleton.

“You fuqed with the wrong billionaire, Snaq!”
You know what? As I’ve been writing this, I’ve become convinced that, however painful it is, I must root for the Mavericks. If they win, the Spurs can plausibly claim to have been the second best team in the playoffs. And when it comes down to it, my feelings about Cuban are ephemeral. Yeah, the guy’s an ass sometimes, but he’s also said and done some good things over the years. And it’s hard to have too much hate for a guy who’s been a loser for so long. Also, I certainly respect his passion for his team. (It must be hard for you SpursDynasty readers to believe, but the Bramlet has also been known to let his passion for the Spurs make an ass of him.) But O’Neal, on the other hand…there’s just no excuse for that Shaqass.

Once again, I have reaffirmed one of my cardinal rules as a basketball fan: I cannot root for any team that has Snaq, no matter who his teammates are.

Why, God?! Why did you have to pair this man with such a Shaqass?!
I’m putting my beef with you on hold, Mark. Go, Mavericks!–for the next couple of weeks, anyway. Then I’ll start thinking about how great it will be when the Spurs avenge their loss and take the Mavericks’ punk asses down next season.
The Bramlet roots for Mark Cuban: a sign of the Apocalypse?
After that, Cuban will no doubt show his ugly side once more, and I’ll be able to enjoy hating him again. I look forward to it, Mark.

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Comments

  1. Dingo June 9, 2006

    It’s hard to explain why, but I’m rooting for the Heat in this series.

    No, I’m not a Snaq fan. In fact, I used to think that Snaq had singlehandedly changed the NBA game for the worse. I’m not a fan of Pat Riley, either, despite his coaching accomplishments.

    Maybe it’s because I’m still in shock that the Mavericks beat the Spurs?

    Maybe it’s because I’ve never been a fan of any pro sports team from Dallas.

    Maybe it’s because I thought the Heat were the best team in the East last year, and should have faced the Spurs in the Finals, had they not choked against the Pistons.

    Maybe it’s because the Miami Heat dancers are the hottest in the NBA? (Btw, what’s a San Antonio girl doing on their squad?)

    Maybe it’s because of Dwayne Wade?

  2. Bramlet Abercrombie June 11, 2006

    I guess there’s no accounting for taste. Well, it will be fun getting in your face after every Mavericks highlight. Talking smaq to you isn’t a pleasure I normally get to indulge in.

    And btw, it’s Dwyane [sic] Wade.

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