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Dwight Howard Didn't Give Me An Orgasm!!!! (and neither did Manu)

By Michael Erler on March 3, 2007.

Game 58 Vs. Orlando: Spurs 98, Magic 74

This post will be a little different. No weird tangents, no amusing anecdotes, no lewd jokes. Just cold hard math this time. The Spurs aren’t fucking around anymore boys and girls, so why should I? This game was the most encouraging sign yet that we might make some noise this May (and dare I suggest, June).

We had 45 points with eight minutes to go in the 3rd quarter. The offense was sluggish, lifeless. We had no spacing, no rhythm, nobody was moving, nobody could shoot, we were settling for horrible shots when we weren’t turning it over and the crowd appeared to be sitting on their hands. For a six minute stretch overlapping the 2nd and 3rd quarters we had all of four points, both buckets courtesy of Timmy.
Orlando has just reeled off a 6-0 run forcing Pop into a time out and their huddle was energetic and boastful.

If this were a game in December or January we’d have been down 20.

Here’s the thing though…

It’s not December or January. We’re in March now. And as putrid as our offense was we were still winning by six, 45-39. THAT’S how good our defense has been lately my friends. We’ve become a fucking vise. Teams are absolutely killing themselves trying to get open shots against us these days. The bigs are communicating, the smalls are rotating, we’re repeatedly cutting the court in half and eliminating ball movement. Orlando had a paltry ten assists on their 28 field goals and they were 1-12 from three. Also, having learned our lesson from the last game, we doubled Dwight Howard whenever he caught the ball and made somebody else beat us. More often than not, that “somebody” couldn’t. Yes, Turkoglu had a good game, going 7 of 8, but that he only got off the eight shots is telling. One would think that with all of our scrambling and doubleteaming that we’d constantly find ourselves in poor position to limit second chances, yet we only gave up six offensive rebounds all night. Most of all we made Orlando play at a snail’s pace, putting up only 65 shots (compared to our 79) and generally having to use most of the shot clock to find an opening.

As long as our defense can play near this level in May we’ll never be out of a game. Of course I understand we’ll be facing teams with multiple offensive threats but the way I see it, the magic number is 90. If we hold anyone below 90 then we have no excuses for not winning. I suppose adjusting for Phoenix’s pace we might have to bump it up to 98 or so.

Nice funnel Brent!

Still, at the pitiful rate we were scoring we weren’t going to hold them off forever so somebody had to step up, especially since Tony was gimpy and playing like smelly goat ass. And believe it or not but Manu seemed like an unlikely candidate to be that somebody. First off, he had struggled mightily against the Magic his whole career including a weak 2 of 7 showing in their latest meeting. Secondly he was only 3 of 9 in the first half and had bricked all five of his jumpers.

But after the time out he hit a three from behind Tim’s screen. Then another. And another. A fourth. And a fadeaway fifth at the buzzer. Gino was directly responsible for the last 20 points in the 3rd quarter, 16 on his own and assisting on the other two baskets. Another bomb early in the fourth sandwiched around two old fashioned three point plays gave Ginobili 25 points in the second half (Orlando had 20 in that stretch) and before you could blink it was 78-59 and the Spurs coasted to another blow out win. After finishing with a line of 31 on 11-19 shooting to along with four rebounds and five assists, Manu has vaulted to sixth overall in Hollinger’s PER ratings. Maybe I’m desperately searching for any positives I can find, but on some level I think it’s encouraging that we have three guys in the top 25 and two in the top six while Dallas’ second best player doesn’t crack the top 30. If we face them in the playoffs I think Manu and Tony will have to significantly outplay The Big Bug and Mr. Nutpuncher.

You think he’s looking forward to another go around with Dallas?

Naturally any blog covering a Magic game has to make some mention of Dwight Howard though. I mean have you seen this guy’s body? He’s like a young Shaq, except that he’s not a prick and he actually tries to make his free throws. We always marvel at Amare Stoudemire’s freakish athleticism, but for my money this guy is the biggest beast in the league. He’s got the talent to average 20/20 and 5 blocks for a whole season but I just get the feeling that the supporting cast and coaching in Orlando is holding him back. It’s an open secret that the Spurs are planning on making a big push for him (along with several other teams I’d imagine) in two years, but I won’t even allow myself to dream of such a thing because it’d be so ridiculous. I mean can you picture Tim, Manu, Tony and Dwight on the same team? How terrible would the other eight players have to be for us to not win a title? We could have four Beno Udrihs and four Sean Marks and still crush everyone. But yeah, it’s not gonna happen.

Good thing we’ve got breakaway rims now or this guy would have caused two lengthy delays in one game with his savage dunks. Holy Jesus. One thing’s for sure, I know I can never be an NBA GM like Jerry Krause because while I love watching Howard play, he’s never given me a woody, let alone an orgasm like Pippen’s college film did for Crumbs. Alright, one lewd joke. Couldn’t help it.

Version 2.0, sans movies, rap albums or general idiocy.

Your 3 Stars… (I’m gonna give Timmy a night off in this one. It gets pretty monotonous when he’s so great every game. He’s by far our best player, let’s move on).

3. Michael Finley – 12 points on 5 of 8 off the bench and he’s starting to heat up for the playoffs. The good news is that February was his best shooting month of the year thus far. The bad news was that it was still a shitty .420.

2. Fabricio Oberto – It never fails, every time I bury somebody he plays well the next day and vice versa. Shaq kicks Detroit’s butt and Oberto shows a pulse. I thought Fab brought a lot of energy tonight with 7 rebs in 19 mins and was solid defensively. Team best + 27.

1. Manu Ginobili – About time he showed up. God damn does he suck. So what he made a few lucky jumpers. Simmons was being generous when he said Manu had lost a couple of steps. It’s more like eight steps and he’s balder than Britney’s vag now. He can’t even dunk anymore, what a fucking joke. He’s already a bench player in ’07, he’ll be out of the league in ’08.

Record: 40-18 Streak: W-7
Up Next: @ Houston Rockets

They’re still missin’ the big Chinese feller so I really like our chances segababa an’ all. They played last night too, in the Mile High City no less an
d they got in to Houston even later than we did. Our record against the Dal-Phx-Hou-Uta-LAL quintet is a weak 5-9 and we’re gonna have to win the rest on our schedule just to get to the .500 vs. the best of the West. Tony’s out with a sore hip flexor so we’re gonna need Beno to not embarass us. Good thing this building is where he had his best outing of the season.

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