Tim Duncan Delivers Heartfelt Speech On Fiscal Responsibility During Spurs Victory Celebration

From The Onion:

SAN ANTONIO—Following a Spurs Sunday victory parade during which Tim Duncan regaled the crowd with uncharacteristically exuberant exclamations of “Thank you very much” and “Please, there’s no need to make so much noise,” the normally reserved power forward expressed his appreciation for his fans by speaking at length on the importance of being financially prepared in an increasingly uncertain world. “I can’t tell you how much I value your support except through telling you it’s not really enough to keep a little money in savings for a rainy day, never independently contributing to your 401(k) or considering simple CDs or mutual-funds,” a misty-eyed Duncan said, using charts he drew up earlier in the season to demonstrate debt-to- savings ratios to the 12,000 fans who crowded the River Walk. “Your greatest equity will of course be in your home, but even then, careful consideration is required before choosing between fixed- or variable-rate mortgages, especially for the greatest fans in the world.” Fans who stayed for the 90-minute speech said it was even better than the emotional plea Duncan made during the Spurs’ 2003 championship celebration, in which he urged revelers to make sure they purchased adequate life insurance.