Gold Lamet Belongs To Les Bulléts

Game 16: Spurs 109, Wizards 94

Greetings to all my peeps around the world. Yesterday I got a chance to experience something altogether new, a real life NBA game not involving our San Antonio Spurs. Manolis and I took in a contest between my second and third favorite clubs, the Houston Rockets and our hometown Warriors. The verdict from the cheap seats? I’m not nearly as much of a fan of either of these teams as I like to pretend.

Maybe it was the score. The Dubs won handily 113-94, yet among the trifecta of spectacular match-ups last night, this will go down in the annals as the “competitive game” thanks to the Lakers 127-99 beatdown of the Nugs and the Celtics 104-59 embarrassment over Isiah’s Knicks. I guess that no matter how low we perceive New York to have sunk, they’ll forever continue to boldly submerge themselves into new depths of humiliation.

Too many water metaphors? Forgive me, I just wrote an article about elephant seals. My journalism career is such a sham. All I ever do is tell people to eat at this restaurant, frequent that business, visit this city, and try this product. Kissing Manu Ginobili’s ass seems, on the whole, much more respectable.

Where was I? Oh right, Houston-Golden State thriller at the Oracle Arena. I got a brisket sandwich, small nachos, peanuts, and a 20 oz Diet Pepsi. That’ll be $24, please. You gotta love the bay area. The Rockets had nothing last night. They blew their wad the night before against the bitchass Suns, and there’s no way Yao’s got the juice to drag his lumbering ass 94 feet back and forth to dominate two run-N’-gun teams in twenty four hours. Freakin’ Al Harrington, heretofore most famous for having the most absurd scalp-wrinkledge in the NBA, dominated the large Asian on both ends of the floor, easily denying him the ball despite being at a nine inch disadvantage in height and 65 pound disadvantage in girth. Why couldn’t Yao seal (the magic word again)the fronter to one side and then have the team reverse the ball to him on the other side for an easy dunk, time and again? Such a maneuver would require competent point guard play, I’m afraid.

Huggybear wouldn’t let himself get fronted like a punk against the defense-challenged Warriors.
(Photo by D. Clarke Evans/NBAE via Getty Images)
Yao’s struggles aside, what was T-Mac’s excuse for sucking? It’s not May yet, as far as I’m aware. Back bothering him again? The elbow? Cervical cramps? C’mon Tracy, crazy ass Stephen Jackson is physical, but he’s not good enough to shut down the likes of you. The highlight of my night was seeing this Warriors fan a few rows in front of me hold up his hand made sign, designed to look like a movie poster, of McGrady with a big goofy grin on his face and wearing a dorky sweater, with the caption, “Tracy McGrady in ‘The Second Round Virgin.'”

Anyway, I’ve learned my lesson and yes, my next Warriors game will once again involve our beloved Spurs. Then again, it would be fun to watch these guys beat Dallas sometime.

Speaking of the Spurs…I’m stalling again. Now that Agent Zero is hurt, I can’t think of anything interesting to write about the Washington Wizards. The whole game went as scripted no? Tony is playing like the best point guard in the league these days (a sentence I never thought I’d be typing) and Opus and The Golden God aren’t far behind in their respective positions either. The bitchslapping laid down by Beno and the rest of the regulars of the Mos Eisley Cantina at Tatooine was enough to jar our guys a bit from their defensive slumber and we actually put forth a serviceable effort against Washington’s solid gold dancers.

At casual glance Antonio Daniels looks like a much better athlete than Monsieur Parker, yet The Wee Rapping Frenchman is always the one finishing at the cup while the Grizzles bust of a #4 overall pick has been mostly an observer throughout his journeyman career.
(Photo by D. Clarke Evans/NBAE via Getty Images)
Actually, that reminds me. The Wizards’ new uniforms annoy me. They make no sense. How are wizards black and gold? You know what’s two-toned and primarily gold? Bullets. When they were the Bullets they wore the colors of the United States (okay, in a morbid way, I concede that makes sense) but now that they’re the Wizards, they look like bullets? Huh?

Bullets……………………………………………………………Bullets.

Wizard…………………………………………………Wizard (sort of).

(Basketball Photo by D. Clarke Evans/NBAE via Getty Images)
You see? The wizards shouldn’t be gold and black. They should be purple and white and come out on the court in flowing robes and intimidating white beards (an idea Arenas would totally embrace). Either change the look or go back to calling yourselves the Bullets. That’s all I ask.

Another thing that’s bothering me: Francisco Elson’s name. Elson doesn’t sound overly Dutch to me. Look at the names of the Dutch national soccer team’s roster. Giovanni van Bronckhorst. Rafael van der Vaart. Ruud van Nistelrooy. Say them out loud to yourself, placing emphasis on the surnames. They sound so manly, so virile, so unmistakably Dutch. Then say Francisco Elson. It sounds so soft and flaccid. Is it any wonder the guy makes so many mental errors every game and routinely gets taken to school by far inferior athletes?

Therefore, henceforth I dub thee Francisco van Hoojdunk. Say it with me. van Hoojdunk! van HOOJDUNK! Fran-CIS-coh van Hooooooooj-duuuuhnk! It rolls right off the tongue and could totally pass for Dutch, no?

Finally, we must take a moment to celebrate a historic occasion. The Sickness had his first multi-dunk game of the season and unless I’m mistaken (I’m never mistaken) the last time that happened was Game 7 of the ’04-05 Finals against the Pistons. By my count that’s already seven spikes for Opus with the season a tick shy of being 20% completed. Not quite the 50 dunk pace I was hoping for, but much springier than the past couple seasons, for sure. Youtubers the world over can now find mixes more recent than Opus mangy-haired days like this one. The second dunk was particularly nice as he split a double team before finishing.

Not just a fancy passer these days, folks.
(Photo by D. Clarke Evans/NBAE via Getty Images)
Your 3 Stars…

3. Manu Ginobili – See above.
2. Bruce Bowen – Was outscored by red hot Caron Butler only four points, 16 to 12, and he held the Wizards’ now main man to only nine shot attempts in 38 minutes. “He’s on a tear right now,” Bowen said of Butler. “So the best way I think to try to stop those kind of guys is to elbow them repeatedly in the groin deny them the ball as much as possible.”
1. Tony Parker – 29-8-11! Great googly moogly. Christ, do that against the Mavs already. (I’m so unfair to him.)

Record: 13-3
Up Next: @ Minnesota Timberwolves
Hold on, let me get this straight… so they don’t have Garnett anymore? Huh, I watched the whole game and didn’t notice a difference.