Search results: "bramlet"

Revenge of the Bitches

That loss to the Sonics was hard to swallow, considering that the Spurs went on a 9-0 run in the last couple of minutes to take the lead, and all it would have taken to win was a timeout by Robert Horry.

I hate losing to Ray Allen. I feel like kicking him too, Bruce, just as I feel like kicking everyone who gives the Spurs trouble. But you should save it for your retirement years. That’s how you can keep yourself busy in your old age – go around kicking the asses of all the whiners who complained about you*. Anyway, for the Sonics to be complaining about dirty basketball is like Bush complaining about the U.S.’s dependence on foreign oil. Actually, their thug quotient probably isn’t quite as high as it was in last year’s playoffs, but I will always hold a grudge against the team whose fans cheered when Tim Duncan went down with an injury.

But what makes the loss especially painful is that the Sonics are now coached by Bob Hill. For those who don’t know the backstory here, he was the Spurs’ coach for a couple of seasons before Pop took over. The timing of his firing was transparently self-serving, and it brought down the wrath of the fans on Pop’s head before he earned his reputation as one of the best coaches in the league.

Bob Hill, scapegoat for Gregg Popovich, whose ineptitude has cost the Spurs six championships in nine seasons that Hill would have won.

But that doesn’t change the fact that it was the right move to make, as the three championships the team has won under Pop prove. Bob Hill led the team to a nice regular-season performance in 1995-96, followed by a humiliating playoff collapse against the Jazz. That’s common knowledge. But what many fans don’t know is that apparently key players on the team went to Pop and expressed their dissatisfaction with Hill. Granted, this is hearsay, but the people I’ve heard it from are reliable sources in my estimation.

What has earned Bob Hill the Wrath of the Bramlet is not his performance as the Spurs’ coach, nor his understandable disappointment and anger at the time of his firing. It is his behavior in the years since. He has badmouthed Pop at every opportunity – this from the guy whose ten-year contract was bought out by Fordham University after only four years, because he elevated the program from a disappointing 14 wins in his first year to a stunning 2 in his last. Recently it came out that he allegedly badmouthed Smush Parker, who played for him at Fordham, to NBA scouts. And he also commented to the media the other night on the relative hotness of the women of “Desperate Housewives,” including, obviously, TP’s woman. Now that’s class. Can you imagine Gregg Popovich ever being quoted as having said something like that to the media?

Coaching for Success: not a best-seller in the Fordham University bookstore.

Buck Harvey wrote an astonishingly frank ass-reaming of Hill a couple of months ago, when Hill was awarded the position of head coach after Bob Weiss was fired.

Popovich almost fired Hill immediately after Utah overwhelmed the Spurs in the 1996 playoffs. Popovich cared more about defense and playoff toughness than regular-season show. Hill was baffled. Wasn’t it time for a contract extension?

Popovich pulled back, hoping for change. But Hill remained a detail-oriented technician who liked to do the work himself. The cooperative workplace that Popovich has created — where he wants his people to argue and disagree — never suited Hill.

Then Robinson’s back went out, skewing everything. Hill’s philosophy ate at Popovich more than the losses did, until Popovich made the worst decision of his career. He fired Hill on the day Robinson returned from injury.

Had Popovich waited a month — letting Hill go after a four-game losing streak — no one would have said a thing. But this way Hill became a martyr. The guy mostly known in San Antonio for wearing expensive suits suddenly was beloved.

Hill played to the sentiment. In his mind he was simply too good to be fired, when Hill has taken over three times in midseason the same way. In fact, every franchise but two has replaced its coach at least once since 1996.

The two? Utah and San Antonio.

So nearly every team could have had the magnificent Hill in these nine years. He instead stayed out of the league, and Hill has an explanation.

He told Seattle reporters this month that he was so “taken aback” by being fired that he “wanted a break” from basketball.

That’s rich. When the Spurs fired Hill, he thought an assistant’s position was beneath him. He would wait for the better jobs. Why coach a loser?

When it was clear no one was calling, Hill stopped being picky. He would have taken anything, anywhere and at any price. Hill’s agent called one franchise so often in the late ’90s that he was asked to stop. “Pestering” is the word the franchise used.

Then there’s this from Shaquille O’Neal. Before the Lakers hired Phil Jackson to replace Kurt Rambis in 1999, Shaq thought Hill would be a good fit. The two were together in Orlando.

“But Jerry (West) didn’t like Bob Hill,” Shaq wrote in a book. “For some reason, nobody likes Bob Hill.”

For some reason? Fordham knows one. The school stretched to give Hill a 10-year deal in 1999, and Hill later led the school to its worst record in 100 years.

He was fired. Only when Hill went back to New York recently with the Sonics, speaking again with the authority of a big-time NBA coach, could he properly frame this.

He blamed himself for taking the job. “I don’t want to embarrass the school,” Hill said about Fordham. “But it’s never going to work there. The pace of the school is slow and you can’t run a Division I program like that.”

Exactly who should be embarrassed? Fordham has beaten Virginia and Penn this season, among others, and is competing like a Division I program.

But that’s Hill. His opinion of himself has alienated peers and employers, and another opinion will have the same effect. He thinks if he had stayed in San Antonio and gotten Tim Duncan, “I would still be there.”

He would have connected with Duncan and prompted him to re-sign with the Spurs? He would have brought the best out in a kid from France and plugged into an Argentine power? He would have won three titles?

If other teams thought that, they would have hired him long ago.

Harvey followed that up with an article that expressed sympathy for Bob Weis
s
and implicitly contrasted the way Weiss has handled his firing with the way Hill has behaved for the last ten years.

Mike Monroe, another San Antonio Express-News reporter, also recently wrote an article in which Hill claims that he built the foundation for the Spurs’ championships. (By the way, nice job of getting Hill to say something about being stung by a scorpion as a hook for your story, Mike.)

At any rate, reading this amusing parody of Hill’s attitude and ego certainly took some of the sting off Sunday night’s loss:

Hill Outclasses Popovich by Kevin O’Keefe*

SEATTLE, WA – Though the game and final score were closer than expected, Bob Hill and his Sonics dispatched the hopeless Gregg Popovich and the San Antonio Spurs 106-102.

Hill, who cut a commanding figure on the sidelines, exuding a likeness reminiscent of a young and bespectacled General George Washington, repeatedly demonstrated to all impartial onlookers that the pock-marked Popovich, whose cheap threadbare zoot suits were clearly purchased at a Men’s Warehouse factory outlet, could not match wits with one of the sideline giants of this or any era.

Indeed, it was solely though the efforts of beleaguered veterans Tim Duncan, Manu Ginobili, and Tony Parker – all of whom seem to bear the strain of playing for a short-sighted egomaniac tyrant – that the game was even a contest at all, rather than the farcical Sonic walkover expected by most.

Ray Allen, who has in common with his good friend and mentor Hill the mental toughness necessary to excel in the face of boorish thuggery (craven coward Bruce Bowen seems to be a slack-jawed mental zombie, unquestioningly playing dirty defense as ordered by his grim faced cruel superior), delivered heroically against tremendous adversity – Bowen attempted to jam his foot right through Allen’s chest cavity in the second quarter in an incident some described as “brutal maimery of the lowest kind”.

It was Allen’s magnificent, shining rainbow three late in the fourth quarter which drove the stake right through the cold, miserly heart of Popovich. The Spurs also succumbed shortly thereafter.

Hill maintains his perfect record [no doubt this mistake was intentional, but for the record, the Sonics got their asses handed to them by the Spurs, 103-78, on February 21st] over the mental midget Popovich, who was reminded yet again of the dreadful mistake he made ten years ago.

*it’s entirely probable that this is a piece of parody

I should have been the one to write something like that, damn it.

Kevin O’Keefe, for those who don’t know, was a writer for the Express-News who constantly criticized and slandered Pop and also constantly pushed his personal Christian agenda. The credibility of the Express-News as a source of facts instead of truthiness (copyright 2005 by Stephen Colbert – check’s in the mail, Stephen) skyrocketed after his firing.

To return to the original bitch in question here: I think it’s time to get over your vaginal cramp, Bob, and just shut up about what happened a decade ago.

To his credit, Hill apparently has the support of his current players, and on Sunday night they definitely looked much more like the team that gave the Spurs trouble in last year’s playoffs than they did earlier this year – a tough team that executes well. Maybe he’s learned a few things (about coaching, at least) from all of his mistakes along the way.

But that doesn’t mean that Bob Hill, his players, and their fans aren’t bitches who deserve the spanking they will get on April 11th.

* With the exception of Michael Finley, of course, whose change in uniform has magically changed my perception of him. Fortunately, I can say that without being hypocritical, as Finley has acquitted himself in a convincingly non-bitch fashion in his time as a Spur, and I have no doubt that he and Bruce are now good friends.

The First Official SpursDynasty Purity Test

Spurs fans often make me feel like a counselor faced with the age-old, platitudinous, cheesy 80’s-music question “How do I know whether I’m really in love?” Often, as I’m walking along the street, minding my own business (i.e. designing food-poisoning schemes to use against the Pistons or plotting against the integrity of Amare Stoudemire’s knee), I’m approached by wannabe Bramlets who ask me, “Bramlet, how do I know whether I’m really a Spurs fan?” Until today, I always gave them the true, if all too obvious, reply of “If you have to ask that question, then you’re not a Spurs fan. Crawl back into the turd from whence you came, miserable worm.” But today I had an epiphany about how to separate the wheat from the chaff, the men from the boys, the virtuous from the damned.

Friedrich Nietzsche wrote that the health of a society and of individuals can be measured by the number of parasites they can tolerate. Similarly, the health of a professional sports franchise can be measured by how much disgust and disappointment its fans can tolerate without, after driving over their bobble-heads and burning their jerseys, taking the final step of renouncing all past, present, and future ties to the team. And now, with the help of SpursDynasty, you can measure the sincerity and intensity of your Spurs passion and find out whether or not you need to e-mail us an apology for having e-desecrated this shrine to Spurs glory with your filthy, infidel IP address.

“What doesn’t kill a Spurs fan makes him stronger.”

For those who haven’t shot themselves or jumped permanently off the bandwagon since Friday night, we present a simple quiz to measure the level of your disgust and outrage provoked by the Spurs’ loss – AT HOME – to a Lakers rotation that included Brian Cook, Devean George, Kwame Brown, Sasha Vujacic, Luke Walton, and Andrew Bynum.

The First Official SpursDynasty “Am I Worthy of the Distinction
of Being Allowed to Read SpursDynasty?” Purity Test

1. How did you react as the Spurs fell behind by double digits in the 1st quarter?
A. couldn’t stifle a crude oath of “Gosh darn it, Spurs!”
B. blamed Rasho Nesterovic reflexively, even though he wasn’t in the game and Nazr was stinking it up
C. vomited in my mouth a little and had to rinse my mouth out repeatedly with my Shiner Bock
D. stuck more pins in my Smush Parker voodoo picture

E. yelled at the “Make Some Noise” graphic on the AT&T Center jumbotron to go f*** itself
F. broke assorted pieces of furniture in my living room, then slashed my wrists and screamed “Why hast thou forsaken me?!”

2. How did you react when Barry and Udrih started to get the Spurs back into the game in the 3rd quarter?
A. I didn’t know the Spurs made a comeback, because like the pussy I am, I had given up on the game long before then.
B. I stopped watching my videotape of Game 6 of the 2003 Spurs-Lakers series long enough to watch a few replays of Spurs baskets.
C. I got so excited I stopped nursing my beer mournfully and started draining entire bottles after each good play.
D. I put my jersey back on and started a one-man wave in my living room.

“What is the sound of one hand high-fiving?”

E. My expletive-filled whooping and references to Kobe’s mother almost got me kicked out of the AT&T Center.
F. I promised Satan my firstborn son if he would help the Spurs win the game. (I would have sold my soul, but it was already in hock.)

3. How would you describe the way you viewed the game?
A. I changed the channel to a rerun of Saved by the Bell to spite the Spurs.
B. I felt bored and disappointed, but I left the game on while I clipped my nose hair and popped boils on my ass.
C. I observed the game stoically as I offered the Spurs my detached observations and constructive criticism via the NSA bug hidden in my TV.
D. I could only stop foaming at the mouth by turning the TV off.
E. I destroyed my TV midway through the second quarter in a fit of Hulk-like rage, stepping on and hopelessly crumpling my tinfoil hat in the process.


F. I stormed out of the AT&T Center when the game was clearly out of reach and proceeded to randomly assault pedestrians.

4. In general, how do you feel about the outcome of the game?
A. It sucks, but you have to cut the champs some slack. They had a tough schedule.
B. It made me briefly consider converting to Orthodox Lakerism before coming to my senses.
C. I feel as if someone had started a hugely popular website with photos of me standing outside naked in sub-zero weather.
D. Slightly worse than the time aliens gave me an anal probe.

E. Every time I think about it, I want to curse God’s name and burn down a church. Just as a prank, you see.
F. I am no longer capable of feeling, as I had to disconnect my amygdala to prevent a neural meltdown.

5. How would you describe the Spurs’ performance, on a scale of dried dung to fermented pus?
A. a rapidly eroding pile o’ desiccated poo
B. spoiled milk
C. bile ’n’ mucus cocktail
D. box o’ wine puke with chunks

Somebody really needs to tell whoever barfed this out to drink some water once in a while.

E. regurgitated elephant afterbirth
F. a pool of unspeakably disgusting bodily fluids fermenting in an e
quatorial jungle

6. What did you do after watching the game Friday night?
A. threw up my hands and consoled myself with the platitude that “well, there’s always the next game”
B. felt depressed for a while, but cheered myself up by listening to some Yanni
C. cried myself to sleep with a bottle of tequila
D. called my psychotherapist after having painful flashbacks to 2001, 2002, and 2004.

E. blamed myself for not burning enough photos of the Lakers and wearing enough Spurs merchandise to guarantee victory, and began planning my pre-game rituals for the next game against the Lakers
F. flew to L.A. to poke holes in condom boxes

7. What would you have done if you had been seated directly behind the Lakers’ bench?
A. sent distinctly unpleasant vibes toward the players while muttering mild oaths
B. made several loud references to the special amenities at Colorado hotels
C. thrown a beer cup at Phil Jackson to try to make him go Artest on me
D. verbally abused the towel boys for providing comfort and aid to the enemy
E. taken some steroids in the bathroom and then urinated in the Lakers’ Gatorade
F. shot spitballs laced with anthrax at the players on the bench, even if I died in the process

8. What would you have done if you had been seated directly behind the Spurs’ bench?
A. cheered the Spurs loudly after good plays
B. forced my entire section to sarcastically chant “MVP! MVP!” with a Slovenian accent after every jump shot by Beno Udrih
C. farted in their general direction
D. questioned the manhood of individual players

I got CHUNKS of guys like you in my stool, Marks!”

E. taken off my Spurs jersey during a time out, spat on it melodramatically, and thrown it on the ground in full view of the players
F. out-Popped Pop until I induced an aneurysm

9. What did you imagine yourself saying to Tim Duncan after the game?
A. “It’s ok, Timmy, we know your feet hurt badly and that you had played an exhausting game less than 24 hours before. You’ll do better next time.”
B. “Hey, TD, did you forget you were being guarded by Chris Mihm, Kwame Brown, and an 18-year-old rookie?”
C. “What’s the matter, Tim, did Amy forget to take your testicles out of her purse before you left home? Next time, borrow one of Manu’s!”
D. “I’ve excreted loose, watery poo that could have played a better game than that! You’d better get your shit together, Tim, if you expect to have your number retired.”
E. I was so disgusted that I could not have seen him through the red haze of anger, nor could I have spoken coherently even if I’d managed to find him.
F. “Tim Duncan, you are dead to me.”


10. What are your plans for the next game against the Lakers?
A. I’ll watch it, as long as the episode of Saved by the Bell in which Screech loses his virginity to a hermaphrodite isn’t on.
B. I’ll TiVo it, but if they lose I won’t watch it. It would be too painful.
C. I’m awaiting it eagerly, because I’m going to thoroughly enjoy the carnage.
D. I’ve already put $500 on the Spurs to beat the spread, and I’m taking the next day off to go on a Spurs merchandise-buying spree.
E. I’m personally going to the Staples Center to teach Jack Nicholson what a proper hooligan is.

“No, YOU can’t handle the truth, Jack! The Lakers suck ass!”

F. Rematch? The dead don’t play basketball. Neither do quadruple amputees.

Scoring: Give yourself 1 point for every question to which you answered A, 2 points for every B, 3 points for every C, etc.
10-30 points: Why is a Lakers fan on this site? Please leave before we have you thrown out or maimed.
31-56 points: You call yourself a Spurs fan? We hope you don’t live in San Antonio, because we find the profaning of holy ground extremely offensive.
57-58 points: Weak. While in some places you might be considered worthy of being called a Spurs fan, we here at SpursDynasty haven’t allowed our high standards to be corrupted by the general laxity and decadence of contemporary society. But please come back when you get your priorities in order.
59 points: This level of violent, unreasoning, slightly-less-than-all-consuming fanaticism is exactly what we’re looking for. Please contact us if you’d like to become a contributor to SpursDynasty.
60 points (full score): While we find your dedication to the Spurs quite impressive, we can’t help feeling a little disturbed. You should allow a non-Spurs-related thought to enter your head once in a while. A frontal lobotomy might also be helpful, and please, strongly consider getting spayed or neutered. Do it for the children—the children you shouldn’t bring into this world.

Obviously I’m no Sophocles, but I hope that this quiz has provided you with a constructive way to purge the negative emotions brought about by Friday’s debacle, so you can enjoy the rest of the season properly. May the mojo be with you, Spurs fans!